The shades of childhood - I'm tired...my mind is tired....

[SBYRD5]

Perhaps my last post of sanity....

I woke up from a nightmare years ago that told my future. In the dream I was the age I am now...my father had been ashamed of me.He believed I didn't have the determination to be a successful person in life.I responded by saying I'll be better than you old man,and I laughed....we both laughed....He was right though... I never pushed myself to my limit...I never really tryied my ulitmate best.I always preach about never giving up on something when I'm always the first person to give up.

I showed my anger in my writing....Poerty....my sadness as well. I could've....I should've been better....he would still be with me....if I had been stronger.....

I was abusd by my father as I grew up...he was drunk,and he would beat me for no reason...everytime I fought back he....knocked me out with one of his liquor bottles.I was 4 plus years then...I still have those scares....on my chest and back....He would wake me up just to kick my ass....and send me back to sleep....over the years this continued...tell he got Alcohol Poisoning.

He had a huge hole in his stomach....the doctor told him if he ever drinked a alcoholic based drink again...he would probally die.He just looked really serious......to tell the truth that was the first time I had ever seen my father not drunk...he acted different then.He told me to come towards him.He was in a hospital bed at the time.He just learned from my mother that he had been abusing me.(Remeber the drinker can't always control there actions under the influence of alcohol)He put a hand on my head and said"Son forgive me...I haven't been a father to you....I'd like to begin now....".I was 9 years old at the time.I didn't respond....I never did...

I had went through alot during my early childhood.I lost two of my best friends....One was killed by one of my nieghborhood gang member's Pit Bull.I was to weak to help him then,and I'm still to weak now...The other was killed by a school bus...that was partily my fault.I dared him to race me to the school bus lot....the last he ever said was..."I won..hahaa...nnnoooo". That S.H.I.T. still echos in my head....

My sister had gone insane from the abuse....and the fact that she was born with a mental disability....added to my pain...All she ever did then was rock back and forward in a chair...she never talked then, but she did talk when..... :huh:

I've been in so many fights..28 and then some...I lost only 2 fights my whole life so far...but I don't think I have the well to fight anymore...I hate fighting now as much as I hate a world that can't end discrimanation of ethnics,lifestyles,etc....
Bush is so eager to find those that stand up to the U.S.....he worry abotu how his ignorance is effecting his country....

That picture that I showed in this forum of myself...with my head done...I was 13 in that picture....I'm 16 now.I had my head was held down because I really have low confidence...I mean I could've have talked to any of those girls even if I wanted to.

I've had girlfriends,but not one of them filled my void of sadness one came close...here name was Tiffany.She had a nasty rumore about her self,but I found out she had a rough childhood too.....She probally was the only friend I ever had away from the net.She...*sniff* she had to go to a health care center.....because she was rapped by her father....

Yea this is some deep stuff....She cheated on me...with some older guy,but I later found out he threaten her to go with him...she was rapped by him too....She called me ever night after we first broke up.....I didn't understand things then...and I still don't now....but I now know it wasn't her fault completely. I never saw here tell again tell lately....she moved back into my nieghborhood....but she looks different......She tried to talk to earlier this school year,but...I ignored here my pride...wouldn't allow me to listen to her...I think now she was the only girl I ever meet face to face away from the net that touched me....I mean my heart.

Anyway, last week my father got in a fight with my mom an....my dad shot my mom....she's in the hospital...I'm in right now.....After my dad shot my mom he called 911.He talked to my father for the first time in years......"YOU...YOU...I'll KILL YOU!!! ARGGGGGGHH" He shot me in the leg.....and then I collapsed on the floor....I cried...I thought I was going to die by my own father....instead he pointed the gun at himself,and he begun to cry too.He looked at me...my mother was in shock,and my sister...well she was setting in a chair