I want the memories to die.
TarkanX....
Maybe we are more of the same than I thought.I've had problems my whole life man.I have hatred inside so strong it feels like it's going to consume me,but I also can't sleep as soon as I get into my bed.I remeber to many bad younger childhood memories.My mother that never showed me love,and my father was never home then and he still is never home.My sister has a mental condition.As you can see when I was growing up I had no guidance.I got into gang fights.
I never fought little kids,not because I thought it was wrong,but because some kids bullied me,an a friend of mine when I was younger.The gang of boys had a Pitbull with them they thought it would be funny to let it go on us.What they had forgoten to do was feed it.I was 9 at the time and my friend was 8.We saw the gang of boys on the corner,but we continued walking.
One of the boys told me to give them my shoes.I walked faster then they let there pit loose on my friend and me.Sad as this may sound my friend wasn't lucky the Pit attacked him first.I tried to pull the pit's grip away from his neck,but the dog's grip was to frim,and strong....so I ran I ran like a croward.
I hide in an alley.when the help came the boy was died,and the boys that were there ran away somewhere.I was scaried to tell because I thought the boys would do the same to me.I cried everday tell has "wake" then I cried more.I realized if I had been stronger I could of saved him...some how.
I've never had grandparents they died before I ever meet them.My cousins....are to far away,and I think there is some kind of mind disease in my family.
Well anyway after 2 years later when I was 11 we moved away from that place...To NC.I restarted my life here,but we lived in the country for about 3 years.That was the most peaceful years of my life I was angry,but safe.Later we moved into the city...the peace ended.Each day now I have to dail with punks outside my house always trying to pick a fight with everyone.
Really I'm just a teenager that is trying to make up for his bad idolence years.If i could make a wish I would want a family that has love I've never heard my mom say she loved me.I've never played catch with my dad.I only have a hand full of TRUE friends.
Really thats why I stay up so late those memories haunt me like a bad odor.
TarkanX do you ever smile besides when your fighting...really thats the only time I'm smiling than besides being with girls.
When I fight I fuse my anger,rage,an my feelings of being alone into my fist.It suits me.
When I use love I don't really know what it means,but I want to know.So when I'm haunted by my past I write in my journal my hardaches,an all my sorrows.
Perhaps you should also write in a journal TarkanX.
I may not sleep completely free minded of my past,but I can sleep,and regroup for the next day.You know I made a promise to my self I would become stronger....not physically ,but mentally as well.
Remeber TarkanX there are others that have been through #### as well.Maybe you should start a thread about "childhood darmas". You may get an even bigger response from that than any DBZ vs SF topic...