[~Mastermax~]

hah that second one is funny, i got one simular to it, but it's a little long.

This guy went to get a physical, and the doctor ask him to pee into a cup, and with modern technology he just pours it into a machine that tells him whats wrong with the patient.
so he pees in the cup and the doctor pours it in, and the machine tells him he has tennis elbow.

He objects by saying that he never plays tennis so how could he have a tennis elbow, the doctor is puzzled too so he tells him to go home and pee into the cup and bring it back tommorrow.

so he goes hometo pee in the cup, but he got got offended by the machine for being wrong so he wanted to screw it up, so he pees into the cup, puts some oil from his car into the cup, has his wife and daughter piss into it, then he masturbates into it.

he goes back the next day and the doctor pours it into the machine again, and he gets a big long read out. and it reads:
your car needs it's oil changed, your wife is cheating on you, your daughter is pregnent, and your tennis elbow is going to get worse if you keep jacking off like that!