Perhaps my last post of sanity....

I woke up from a nightmare years ago that told my future. In the dream I was the age I am now...my father had been ashamed of me.He believed I didn't have the determination to be a successful person in life.I responded by saying I'll be better than you old man,and I laughed....we both laughed....He was right though... I never pushed myself to my limit...I never really tryied my ulitmate best.I always preach about never giving up on something when I'm always the first person to give up.

I showed my anger in my writing....Poerty....my sadness as well. I could've....I should've been better....he would still be with me....if I had been stronger.....

I was abusd by my father as I grew up...he was drunk,and he would beat me for no reason...everytime I fought back he....knocked me out with one of his liquor bottles.I was 4 plus years then...I still have those scares....on my chest and back....He would wake me up just to kick my ass....and send me back to sleep....over the years this continued...tell he got Alcohol Poisoning.

He had a huge hole in his stomach....the doctor told him if he ever drinked a alcoholic based drink again...he would probally die.He just looked really serious......to tell the truth that was the first time I had ever seen my father not drunk...he acted different then.He told me to come towards him.He was in a hospital bed at the time.He just learned from my mother that he had been abusing me.(Remeber the drinker can't always control there actions under the influence of alcohol)He put a hand on my head and said"Son forgive me...I haven't been a father to you....I'd like to begin now....".I was 9 years old at the time.I didn't respond....I never did... :(

I had went through alot during my early childhood.I lost two of my best friends....One was killed by one of my nieghborhood gang member's Pit Bull.I was to weak to help him then,and I'm still to weak now...The other was killed by a school bus...that was partily my fault.I dared him to race me to the school bus lot....the last thing he ever said was..."I won..hahaa...nnnoooo". That S.H.I.T. still echos in my head....

My sister had gone insane from the abuse....and the fact that she was born with a mental disability....added to my pain...All she ever did then was rock back and forward in a chair...she never talked then, but she did talk when..... :huh:

I've been in so many fights..28 and then some...I lost only 2 fights my whole life so far...but I don't think I have the well to fight anymore...I hate fighting now as much as I hate a world that can't end discrimanation of ethnics,lifestyles,etc....
Bush is so eager to find those that stand up to the U.S.....he should worry about how his ignorance is effecting his country....

That picture that I showed in this forum of myself...with my head done...I was 13 in that picture....I'm 16 now.I had my head was held down because I really have low confidence...I mean I couldn't have talked to any of those girls even if I wanted to.

I've had girlfriends,but not one of them filled my void of sadness one came close...here name was Tiffany.She had a nasty rumor about her self,but I found out she had a rough childhood too.....She probally was the only friend I ever had away from the net.She...*sniff* she had to go to a health care center.....because she was rapped by her father....

Yea this is some deep stuff....She cheated on me...with some older guy,but I later found out he threaten her to go with him...she was rapped by him too....She called me ever night after we first broke up.....I didn't understand things then...and I still don't now....but I now know it wasn't her fault completely. I never saw her again tell lately....she moved back into my nieghborhood....but she looks different......She tried to talk to me earlier this school year,but...I ignored here my pride...wouldn't allow me to listen to her...I think now she was the only girl I ever meet face to face away from the net that touched me....I mean my heart.

Anyway, last week my father got in a fight with my mom an....my dad shot my mom....she's in the hospital...I'm in right now.....After my dad shot my mom he called 911. I talked to my father for the first time in years......"YOU...BASTARD...I'll KILL YOU!!! ARGGGGGGHH" I yelled.Then he shot me in the leg.....and then I collapsed on the floor....I cried...I thought I was going to die by my own father....instead he pointed the gun at himself,and he begun to cry too.He looked at me...my mother was in shock,and my sister...well she was setting in a chair at the time.

My dad said this before he dead "You where never worth s.h.i.t. you an your sister are accidents.....I'm glad I don't have to look at you anymore..".Then he shot himself...I couldn't move that good I started to crawl,but the pain was to much.....so I just lied there on the floor with my mom...I screamed out for help,but it was like no one could hear me...I almost was about to pick up the gun,and shot myself to end the pain....but someone knocked on the door.

My sister said"Come in my mommy and daddy are sleeping on the floor".It was my next door nieghbor he must of heard the gun shots.He called for an ambulance....I pasted out...I remember waking up in a hosipital...REX hospital.It's in North Carolina.They told me my leg will eventually heal...but my father was in critical care......My mother was also in critical care too.I didn't know what to do I couldn't sleep,and I couldn't eat....

A week later my father had passed,but the doctor had told me my mother may recover,but she was paralized from the wist down.

I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP I LOST MY FATHER TODAY...I DON"T KNOW IF I WANT TO LIVE RIGHT NOW......I CAN'T STAND ANYTHING ANYMORE ........

don't double post

and i find some parts of your story hard to believe.

you have a laptop?! where does the money come from? don't tell me your alcoholic abusive father used to actually work? and i seriously doubt that your mother is capable of supporting your family on her own. so where is the money coming from?

and wouldn't the police take you away from your father if he abused you? what about that girl you liked? if she got raped twice, doesn't the police take her away as well? to be put into some foster home or something?

Prince my mother never told...the police I never did either...That girl was to ashamed to tell anyone that she had been taken advantaged of.

I didn't tell the police because....for some stupid reason I didn't want to lose my father....it doesn't matter now....

dubya tee eff? why did you delete your laptop post from before?

man sbyrd... thats really sad man... i'm feel so sorry for you... :( and i thought my life was bad :(



Edited By Kingryu1 on Feb. 05 2003 at 18:03

I didn't feel like responding...I'm not really in the mood for it...

EDIT: My mom will find some way to provide for me and my sister....I can get a job now...so I guess I'll... prince I don't feel like responding anymore so please don't ask a question after this post....

That lab-top isn't mine prince the doctor let me use her's....

wow byrd...... i am stunned. your childhood...... full of hatred and pain.... :( you were always so happy and cheerful when we first met.... and know..... i am so sorry man.... just dont kill yourself.... :( you lost two friends.... all tragic deaths...... but now, they may be in a better place..... and the last words your father said to you...... that you are worthless and S.H.I.T.T.Y....... you know he didnt mean it..... i bet wherever he is right now...... he is thinking of you...... all that he has done to you...... and i bet he is crying....... crying because he knew he could have treated you better...... he could have acomplished something........ but that was all over when he made the final descision of his life.......dont blame yourself man........ it was his descision...... to pull the trigger...... just know.......that he did love you.........he did think you were worth something..... he did care about you...... i am so sorry man.......

even i have had some of your expiriences...... one of my friends dad shot himself in the head.....


just remember- you were put on this earth to accomplish something. yes, you do have a purpose.... and someday, if you work harder you can become all you have ever wanted to be...... just dont make the mistake that your dad did..... i am sorry.....

go to this site-

http://www.greatday.com/motivate

here is a site, read some of the motivators, go back to previous ones, they are really good to get your spirit up.

i bet if you e-mailed the guy that does the motivators, he could really help you during this tragic time...
:(

Prince, just... leave him alone. He needs support now, not annoying questions.

Now, Sbyrd... You know I'm here for you... even though I can't see you, or even hear your voice, I still care. I don't want to lose you, or anything about you. Think about what you are saying? Are you going to let what your father said about you and your sister come true? And what about me? Who am I going to take care of, and talk to if you leave?


*sighs*....I believe it's time to share something about myself with you, that I've told only Karma.

[quote:post_uid0="Roll"]*sighs*....I believe it's time to share something about myself with you, that I've told only Karma.[/quote]
can you tell me? i am sure i can help, as i might have with sbyrd... ?