Imaginary
08-08-2004, 11:37 AM
Ok im going to search up some jokes and the ones i that are my favorite i will post here to give u guys a laugh :D :p....;
11 people were hanging from a rope. 10 men 1 woman. they realized if one of them didnt let go, they were all going to die. the woman said finally, " i am used to giving up my time for men, my husband and my son, so i will let go of the rope. the men were all so touched by her speech that they started applauding.
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty - she's ninety-seven today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Once there was a bear and a rabbit and while they were walking along the forest they saw a genie and the genie said i will give you each 3 wishes so the bear went first "I wish i was the only boy bear in this forest and all the rest are gurls" the genie grants his wish next is the rabbits turn "I wish for an unsupply of carrots" the genie grants his wish bears turn "I wish i was the only boi bear in this state" the genie grants his wish next the rabbit "I wish i was handsome " the genie grants his wish next the bear " for my last wish i wish that i was the only bear in the whole world " the genie grants it, next the rabbit......" i wish the bear was gay"
A father finds his son praying at night. 'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta Grandpa.' The father finds this odd, but doesn't think too much of it. The next morning the grandfather dies. The father remembers the night before, but doesn't say anything. That night, the son prays, 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.' The father hopes that nothing happens to the grandmother. Sure enough, the next morning the grandmother dies. At this point the father gets really scared. That night, the son prays "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy". The father stays up all night long, frightened. Early in the morning he goes to the doctor to make sure everything is fine. When he comes home, his wife is waiting frantically in the driveway and yells "Honey, come quick! The milkman just dropped dead on the porch!"
Okay... three guys go to heaven they enter and St. Peter tells them the only rule in heaven "The only rule in heaven is to not step on a duck," So they thought to themselves this should be easy... they walk in and the floor is covered in ducks like it was alomost impossible not to step on one... After an hour the first guy steps on a duck. St. Peter comes to him and says "You have broken the rules... you will have to be punished...," the punishment was horrible! The first guy was forced to marry a hideous woman. A day later the second guy steps on a duck. St. Peter comes to him and says "You have broken the rules... you will have to be punished...," The second guy like the first was forced to marry a hideous woman. A year later the third guy has remarkably not stepped on a duck. One day St. Peter comes and tell him "You have gone one whole year without stepping on a duck... therefore you should be rewarded. A beautiful woman comes out and they were forced to get married. He thought 'WOW! What did I deserve for this,' Then the woman says to him "I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck!"
When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Arnold S. has a long one, Mike J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, the pope has one but never uses it, the president has one and uses it all the time...What is it?...It's a last name what were u thinkin of?! LOL
A priest goes to three nuns who've been pure their whole lives. He says "u all can commit 1 sin" Days later 1 nun comes to him and says "Father i robbed a bank." He says "drink from the holy water and god shall forgive u." Hours later another nun comes to him and says "Father i shot and killed a child." He says "drink from the Holy water and god shall forgive u." Hours later the last nun comes and he says "so u sinned, what did u do?" She says " I peed in the Holy water!"
A teacher walks around the class room and tells them that she wants them to close there eyes and shes gonna put a object in there mouth and she wants them to tell her what it is...she comes to a boy and puts a hershey kiss in his mouth and asked him what it was he said..hmmm..im not sure and she said heres a hint its a thing your dad wants from your mom before he goes to work..a little girl in the back screams "SPIT IT OUT IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!"
There was a brunette jumping over rail road tracks saying 28, 28, 28,... a blonde walks up to her and says what are you doing.. the brunette says I'm jumping over the railroad tracks saying 28, 28, 28,.. the blonde said.. well that looks fun I think I'll do it too.. so they both jump over the railroad tracks saying 28, 28, 28.... the a train comes the brunette jumps off but the blonde dies.. when the train passes the burnette starts jumping over the railroad tracks saying 29, 29, 29...
There was this old lady who bought a house, she wanted to name it, so one day she was sitting outside on her porch and heard two boys screaming at eachother, and the one boy said "you big hairy butt", so she named her house Big Hairy butt. Then the next day she bought a cat, she wanted to name it, then she was outside gardening and stepped on a stick and it went crack, so she named her cat Crack. Then one day she lost her cat, so she went to her neighbors and said "I looked all around my Big Hairy butt and couldn't find my Crack".
there were three singers in an eleavator Shaggy shania twain and britney spears, someone farted shaggy said wasn't me shani said dont empress me much and britney said opps i did it again. the next day they were in an elevator someone farted again shaggy said Wasnt me shania said dont empress me much and britney said stronger then yesterday!
Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter", he replied. He reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster?" "Vell", replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie". "You haff a genie?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box", said Ole. "Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. The friend says, "Hey Dere! I'm a good friend of your master.Vill you grant me vun vish?" "Yes I will", the genie said. So Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves Sven standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million bucks - not ducks!" Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do you really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?
a blonde walked into a store and she saw a tv she asked the man if she could buy the tv and he said im sorry we dont sell anything to blondes so she goes home and puts on a wig and she goes back but the man refuses to give her the tv because she is blonde so she gets a makeover and dies her hair brown and goes back to the store and asks the man if she could buy the tv but once again the man say he dosent sell anything to blondes so she asked how he knew she was blonde he said because it was a MICROWAVE NOT A TV
A blonde walk into barbershop to get her hair cut. So the barber sits her down on the chair, and gets out his clippers and stops for a moment and asks the blonde to take off her head phones, but she says "I can't or else i will die." So he asks her again. but she says the same thing. So in his frustrasion he rips them off her head and she drops dead right on the spot. So in shock he picks up the head phones and puts them up to his ears and he hears "Breath in......Breath out.....Breath in....Breath out"
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Three young women were in a shopping mall. There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette. They all had to go to the bathroom so they found one and went in.As they were going in together they encountered a shriveled old woman who was hobbling out. Beware the mirror! she rasped. If you look inside and say something truthful you will receive your hearts fondest desire. However! if you tell a lie... YOU WILL BE SUCKED INSIDE AND ENTER OBLIVION! Cackling the old woman hobbled on past. The three women looked at each other and shrugged.
Once inside the brunette ran to the mirror looked straight inside and said I think that I am the most beautiful woman in this bathroom! Immediately a huge bag of money pops out and the ecstatic brunette seizes it and walks out. This inspires the redhead to up to the mirror and says I think that I am the most intelligent woman in this bathroom! Immediately a Mercedes-Benz pops out and she hops in and drives away. The blonde then runs up to the mirror excitedly. She says I think-- and is immediately sucked into the mirror
There were three men a brown haired man a red haired man and a blonde man. They were all working on a bridge when they decided to sit down and take a lunch. The brown haired man opened his lunch box and pulled out the same old peanut butter and jelly sandwich that he always gets. He looked at the sandwich for a bit and said If I open this box tommorow and I get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich I am going to jump of this bridge!Next the red haired man opened his lunch box and pulled out the same old burrito that he always has for lunch. He looked at the burrity in disgust and said I'm with ya if I open this lunch box tommorow and there is a burrito in it I will jump off this bridge too!The blonde looked at the other two and opened his lunch box. You know everyday I get this same old tuna sandwich also I don't even like tuna. If I get a tuna sandwich tommorow I will be right behind you guys jumping off this bridge!The next day came and lunch was here. The brown haired man opened his lunch box and find the same old peanut butter and jelly sandwich and without a word he jumped. The red haired man didn't think twice about his friend he opened his lunch pale and also jumped off the bridge. The blonde thought to himself Please dont be a tuna sandwich! Then he opened his lunch box took a breath and jumped off the bridge.The three mens wives got together at the funeral and were talking. If I would have known he didn't like peanut butter and jelly I would have made something else the brown haired man's wife sobbed. Me too I never new my husband didn't like burritos said the wife of the red head. The blonde man's wife turned and looked at them I don't have anything to say he made his own lunches!
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered,
11 people were hanging from a rope. 10 men 1 woman. they realized if one of them didnt let go, they were all going to die. the woman said finally, " i am used to giving up my time for men, my husband and my son, so i will let go of the rope. the men were all so touched by her speech that they started applauding.
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty - she's ninety-seven today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Once there was a bear and a rabbit and while they were walking along the forest they saw a genie and the genie said i will give you each 3 wishes so the bear went first "I wish i was the only boy bear in this forest and all the rest are gurls" the genie grants his wish next is the rabbits turn "I wish for an unsupply of carrots" the genie grants his wish bears turn "I wish i was the only boi bear in this state" the genie grants his wish next the rabbit "I wish i was handsome " the genie grants his wish next the bear " for my last wish i wish that i was the only bear in the whole world " the genie grants it, next the rabbit......" i wish the bear was gay"
A father finds his son praying at night. 'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta Grandpa.' The father finds this odd, but doesn't think too much of it. The next morning the grandfather dies. The father remembers the night before, but doesn't say anything. That night, the son prays, 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.' The father hopes that nothing happens to the grandmother. Sure enough, the next morning the grandmother dies. At this point the father gets really scared. That night, the son prays "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy". The father stays up all night long, frightened. Early in the morning he goes to the doctor to make sure everything is fine. When he comes home, his wife is waiting frantically in the driveway and yells "Honey, come quick! The milkman just dropped dead on the porch!"
Okay... three guys go to heaven they enter and St. Peter tells them the only rule in heaven "The only rule in heaven is to not step on a duck," So they thought to themselves this should be easy... they walk in and the floor is covered in ducks like it was alomost impossible not to step on one... After an hour the first guy steps on a duck. St. Peter comes to him and says "You have broken the rules... you will have to be punished...," the punishment was horrible! The first guy was forced to marry a hideous woman. A day later the second guy steps on a duck. St. Peter comes to him and says "You have broken the rules... you will have to be punished...," The second guy like the first was forced to marry a hideous woman. A year later the third guy has remarkably not stepped on a duck. One day St. Peter comes and tell him "You have gone one whole year without stepping on a duck... therefore you should be rewarded. A beautiful woman comes out and they were forced to get married. He thought 'WOW! What did I deserve for this,' Then the woman says to him "I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck!"
When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Arnold S. has a long one, Mike J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, the pope has one but never uses it, the president has one and uses it all the time...What is it?...It's a last name what were u thinkin of?! LOL
A priest goes to three nuns who've been pure their whole lives. He says "u all can commit 1 sin" Days later 1 nun comes to him and says "Father i robbed a bank." He says "drink from the holy water and god shall forgive u." Hours later another nun comes to him and says "Father i shot and killed a child." He says "drink from the Holy water and god shall forgive u." Hours later the last nun comes and he says "so u sinned, what did u do?" She says " I peed in the Holy water!"
A teacher walks around the class room and tells them that she wants them to close there eyes and shes gonna put a object in there mouth and she wants them to tell her what it is...she comes to a boy and puts a hershey kiss in his mouth and asked him what it was he said..hmmm..im not sure and she said heres a hint its a thing your dad wants from your mom before he goes to work..a little girl in the back screams "SPIT IT OUT IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!"
There was a brunette jumping over rail road tracks saying 28, 28, 28,... a blonde walks up to her and says what are you doing.. the brunette says I'm jumping over the railroad tracks saying 28, 28, 28,.. the blonde said.. well that looks fun I think I'll do it too.. so they both jump over the railroad tracks saying 28, 28, 28.... the a train comes the brunette jumps off but the blonde dies.. when the train passes the burnette starts jumping over the railroad tracks saying 29, 29, 29...
There was this old lady who bought a house, she wanted to name it, so one day she was sitting outside on her porch and heard two boys screaming at eachother, and the one boy said "you big hairy butt", so she named her house Big Hairy butt. Then the next day she bought a cat, she wanted to name it, then she was outside gardening and stepped on a stick and it went crack, so she named her cat Crack. Then one day she lost her cat, so she went to her neighbors and said "I looked all around my Big Hairy butt and couldn't find my Crack".
there were three singers in an eleavator Shaggy shania twain and britney spears, someone farted shaggy said wasn't me shani said dont empress me much and britney said opps i did it again. the next day they were in an elevator someone farted again shaggy said Wasnt me shania said dont empress me much and britney said stronger then yesterday!
Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter", he replied. He reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster?" "Vell", replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie". "You haff a genie?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box", said Ole. "Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. The friend says, "Hey Dere! I'm a good friend of your master.Vill you grant me vun vish?" "Yes I will", the genie said. So Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves Sven standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million bucks - not ducks!" Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do you really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?
a blonde walked into a store and she saw a tv she asked the man if she could buy the tv and he said im sorry we dont sell anything to blondes so she goes home and puts on a wig and she goes back but the man refuses to give her the tv because she is blonde so she gets a makeover and dies her hair brown and goes back to the store and asks the man if she could buy the tv but once again the man say he dosent sell anything to blondes so she asked how he knew she was blonde he said because it was a MICROWAVE NOT A TV
A blonde walk into barbershop to get her hair cut. So the barber sits her down on the chair, and gets out his clippers and stops for a moment and asks the blonde to take off her head phones, but she says "I can't or else i will die." So he asks her again. but she says the same thing. So in his frustrasion he rips them off her head and she drops dead right on the spot. So in shock he picks up the head phones and puts them up to his ears and he hears "Breath in......Breath out.....Breath in....Breath out"
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Three young women were in a shopping mall. There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette. They all had to go to the bathroom so they found one and went in.As they were going in together they encountered a shriveled old woman who was hobbling out. Beware the mirror! she rasped. If you look inside and say something truthful you will receive your hearts fondest desire. However! if you tell a lie... YOU WILL BE SUCKED INSIDE AND ENTER OBLIVION! Cackling the old woman hobbled on past. The three women looked at each other and shrugged.
Once inside the brunette ran to the mirror looked straight inside and said I think that I am the most beautiful woman in this bathroom! Immediately a huge bag of money pops out and the ecstatic brunette seizes it and walks out. This inspires the redhead to up to the mirror and says I think that I am the most intelligent woman in this bathroom! Immediately a Mercedes-Benz pops out and she hops in and drives away. The blonde then runs up to the mirror excitedly. She says I think-- and is immediately sucked into the mirror
There were three men a brown haired man a red haired man and a blonde man. They were all working on a bridge when they decided to sit down and take a lunch. The brown haired man opened his lunch box and pulled out the same old peanut butter and jelly sandwich that he always gets. He looked at the sandwich for a bit and said If I open this box tommorow and I get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich I am going to jump of this bridge!Next the red haired man opened his lunch box and pulled out the same old burrito that he always has for lunch. He looked at the burrity in disgust and said I'm with ya if I open this lunch box tommorow and there is a burrito in it I will jump off this bridge too!The blonde looked at the other two and opened his lunch box. You know everyday I get this same old tuna sandwich also I don't even like tuna. If I get a tuna sandwich tommorow I will be right behind you guys jumping off this bridge!The next day came and lunch was here. The brown haired man opened his lunch box and find the same old peanut butter and jelly sandwich and without a word he jumped. The red haired man didn't think twice about his friend he opened his lunch pale and also jumped off the bridge. The blonde thought to himself Please dont be a tuna sandwich! Then he opened his lunch box took a breath and jumped off the bridge.The three mens wives got together at the funeral and were talking. If I would have known he didn't like peanut butter and jelly I would have made something else the brown haired man's wife sobbed. Me too I never new my husband didn't like burritos said the wife of the red head. The blonde man's wife turned and looked at them I don't have anything to say he made his own lunches!
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered,