hellboy666
08-21-2004, 06:20 PM
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for
speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her
window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car,
was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers
license?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the
fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for
a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your
registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's
license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came
back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes." replied the cop.
"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back,
and drop your pants."
"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and
registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another
breathalyzer......"
Iraqi oneliners
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where all those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador.
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter
pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.
Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2.
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.
lawyer oneliners
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental
impact statement.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar
association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,
they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
forever.
Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A fliping know-it-all.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his @$%.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd
been there eight hours.
Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane
full of lawyers?
A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands,
threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one
lawyer every hour.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid
hitting him?
A: That might be your bicycle.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one
to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a
letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to
depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a
secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for
professional services.
Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to
his.
Answer #3: How many can you afford?
Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
A: Just say "Fees!"
Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball?
A: Because they stoop so low.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Senator.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar
association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding
fee schedule?
A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get
back on your feet.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: A shortage of sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Answer #1: Take your foot off his head.
Answer #2: No? Good!
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
A: Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: A lawyer can take off his wingtips.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good
lawyer can make it last even longer.
dirty oneliners
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
Q. but do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.
Q. What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A. Come in eight flavors.
Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What's six inches long that women love?
A. Folding money.
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play
with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).
Q. What is the new O.J. website address?
A. slash slash backslash escape.
Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on.
Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!
Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you
have
left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end
you
lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the
U.S.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters
Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of
their decisions.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Why do women have ######s?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.
Q: What is the new gay website address?
A: c : enter # # #
Q: Why do men like big tits and tight #####?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up
your bush.
Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.
Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman.
A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half mast?
A: They're hiring.
Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage, along with a recipe.
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say flip?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern
fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern
fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this poop..."
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast
infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're
nuts.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
22 things never say to a cop :)
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged
in.
3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with
me...Good job!
5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be
a cop.
7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school
instead.
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's
nightstand.
13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to
work at McDonald's?
14. I pay your salary!
15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a
warning too!
17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one ofus does.
18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.
19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained
specialist.
20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell
off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal,
forcing me to speed out of control.
21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
10 ppl women love
1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in
back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in,
you'll love it!"
6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll
lose interest"
7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice
and always eats what he shoots.
lol
thats all for today took me long time but im dun :)
hope you love the jokes!!
speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her
window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car,
was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers
license?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the
fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for
a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your
registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's
license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came
back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes." replied the cop.
"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back,
and drop your pants."
"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and
registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another
breathalyzer......"
Iraqi oneliners
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where all those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador.
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter
pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.
Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2.
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.
lawyer oneliners
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental
impact statement.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar
association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,
they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
forever.
Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A fliping know-it-all.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his @$%.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd
been there eight hours.
Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane
full of lawyers?
A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands,
threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one
lawyer every hour.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid
hitting him?
A: That might be your bicycle.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one
to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a
letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to
depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a
secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for
professional services.
Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to
his.
Answer #3: How many can you afford?
Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
A: Just say "Fees!"
Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball?
A: Because they stoop so low.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Senator.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar
association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding
fee schedule?
A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get
back on your feet.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: A shortage of sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Answer #1: Take your foot off his head.
Answer #2: No? Good!
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
A: Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: A lawyer can take off his wingtips.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good
lawyer can make it last even longer.
dirty oneliners
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
Q. but do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.
Q. What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A. Come in eight flavors.
Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What's six inches long that women love?
A. Folding money.
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play
with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).
Q. What is the new O.J. website address?
A. slash slash backslash escape.
Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on.
Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!
Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you
have
left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end
you
lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the
U.S.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters
Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of
their decisions.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Why do women have ######s?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.
Q: What is the new gay website address?
A: c : enter # # #
Q: Why do men like big tits and tight #####?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up
your bush.
Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.
Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman.
A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half mast?
A: They're hiring.
Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage, along with a recipe.
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say flip?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern
fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern
fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this poop..."
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast
infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're
nuts.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
22 things never say to a cop :)
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged
in.
3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with
me...Good job!
5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be
a cop.
7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school
instead.
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's
nightstand.
13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to
work at McDonald's?
14. I pay your salary!
15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a
warning too!
17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one ofus does.
18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.
19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained
specialist.
20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell
off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal,
forcing me to speed out of control.
21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
10 ppl women love
1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in
back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in,
you'll love it!"
6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll
lose interest"
7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice
and always eats what he shoots.
lol
thats all for today took me long time but im dun :)
hope you love the jokes!!