Karnage
01-10-2003, 09:01 AM
<center>101 Reasons It's Better To Be A Guy</center>
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
2. Movie nudity is 95% female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A 5-day vacationi requires only one suitcase
5. Monday Night Football
6. Monday Night R.A.W.
7. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives
8. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter
9. You can open all your own jars.
10. Old friends don't give a damn whether you lost or gained weight.
11. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
12. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews
15. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash them into the boards).
19. You can go to the bathroom w/o a support group.
20. Your last name stays put.
21. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
22. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
23. You can kill your own food.
24. The garage is all yours.
25. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfullness.
26. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment
27. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
28. You never have to clean a toilet.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
31. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a 3-pack
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry
37. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. If you're 34 and single, no one even notices.
40. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
41. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
42. Chocolate is just another snack
43. You can be president (in this lifetime).
44. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
45. Flowers fix everything
46. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
47. You get to think about sex 90% of your working hours.
48. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
49. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough
50. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
51. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls itch!") and not worry about what people will think.
52. Foreplay is optional.
53. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. Nobody stops telling a dirty joke when you enter a room.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting leid.
57. You don't have to clean your apartment just because the meter-reader's coming by.
58. Car mechanics tell you the truth
59. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
60. You can quietly watch a game w/your buddy for hours w/o ever thinking he must be mad at me.
61. The world is your urinal.
62. You getto jump up and slap stuff
63. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
64. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
65. One mood, all the time!
66. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
67. You never have to drive on to another gas station 'caus this one's just too skeevy.
68. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
69. You can sit w/your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
70. Same work...more pay!
71. Gray hair and wrinkles only add to character.
72. Wedding dress: $2000. Tuxedo rental: $75
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74. You don't need to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
75. With 400 billion sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, in theory.
76. You don't mooch off of others' desserts.
77. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
78. The remote control is yours, and yours alone.
79. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
80. ESPN's SportsCenter.
81. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
82. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
83. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
84. You can buy condoms w/o the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
85. You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
86. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he wont' tell your other friend you've changed.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fhuck it."
88. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
89. If another guy shows up at the party with the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
90. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
91. An occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
92. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
93. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny (hell, you're prolly laughing right now :D )
94. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can hit it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
95. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
96. Pornos are designed with your mind in mind.
97. You don't need to remember everybody's birthdays and anniversaries.
98. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
99. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So...notice anything different?"
100. There's always a game on somewhere.
101. Baywatch.
<center>10 Reasons It Sucks To Be A Guy</center>
1. You have to take out the garbage.
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3. No sofas in your restrooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
7. Ribbed for her pleasure--not for yours.
8. You have to wear ties.
9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10. "Women and children first!"
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
2. Movie nudity is 95% female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A 5-day vacationi requires only one suitcase
5. Monday Night Football
6. Monday Night R.A.W.
7. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives
8. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter
9. You can open all your own jars.
10. Old friends don't give a damn whether you lost or gained weight.
11. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
12. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews
15. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash them into the boards).
19. You can go to the bathroom w/o a support group.
20. Your last name stays put.
21. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
22. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
23. You can kill your own food.
24. The garage is all yours.
25. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfullness.
26. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment
27. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
28. You never have to clean a toilet.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
31. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a 3-pack
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry
37. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. If you're 34 and single, no one even notices.
40. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
41. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
42. Chocolate is just another snack
43. You can be president (in this lifetime).
44. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
45. Flowers fix everything
46. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
47. You get to think about sex 90% of your working hours.
48. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
49. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough
50. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
51. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls itch!") and not worry about what people will think.
52. Foreplay is optional.
53. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. Nobody stops telling a dirty joke when you enter a room.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting leid.
57. You don't have to clean your apartment just because the meter-reader's coming by.
58. Car mechanics tell you the truth
59. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
60. You can quietly watch a game w/your buddy for hours w/o ever thinking he must be mad at me.
61. The world is your urinal.
62. You getto jump up and slap stuff
63. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
64. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
65. One mood, all the time!
66. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
67. You never have to drive on to another gas station 'caus this one's just too skeevy.
68. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
69. You can sit w/your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
70. Same work...more pay!
71. Gray hair and wrinkles only add to character.
72. Wedding dress: $2000. Tuxedo rental: $75
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74. You don't need to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
75. With 400 billion sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, in theory.
76. You don't mooch off of others' desserts.
77. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
78. The remote control is yours, and yours alone.
79. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
80. ESPN's SportsCenter.
81. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
82. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
83. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
84. You can buy condoms w/o the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
85. You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
86. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he wont' tell your other friend you've changed.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fhuck it."
88. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
89. If another guy shows up at the party with the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
90. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
91. An occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
92. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
93. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny (hell, you're prolly laughing right now :D )
94. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can hit it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
95. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
96. Pornos are designed with your mind in mind.
97. You don't need to remember everybody's birthdays and anniversaries.
98. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
99. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So...notice anything different?"
100. There's always a game on somewhere.
101. Baywatch.
<center>10 Reasons It Sucks To Be A Guy</center>
1. You have to take out the garbage.
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3. No sofas in your restrooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
7. Ribbed for her pleasure--not for yours.
8. You have to wear ties.
9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10. "Women and children first!"